Babies in the pool

I just spent a few wonderful days lounging by the pool. It was awesome! But there seems to be this phenomenon that occurs when it comes to these bodies of water that I just don’t understand. I’m speaking of bringing your baby to the pool.

Here’s why I have an issue with it, first and foremost: Babies in diapers at the pool are giant poo tea bags. Seriously! What is the first thing people do when they bring their babies to the pool? Dunk them up and down in the water. It’s a giant poo tea bag! And of course it’s all fun and games until the pool gets closed for a “bio-hazard”, which literally happened to me last year. I was at this awesome resort and I wandered down to the pool to find there wasn’t a soul there. It was 110 degrees and sunny, and there wasn’t anybody at this awesome pool (which has its own sand beach by the way … truly awesome!). I asked the lifeguard what was up and she told me they closed the pool because of a “bio-hazard”. I cocked my head to the side, squinted my eyes and queried: Baby? Yes. Some uninformed or uncaring parent brought their giant poo tea bag to the pool, gave it a dip and a dunk, and caused the entire resort guest list to lose a day at the pool. And I’m not talking some little play pool, this thing is massive! Everybody got kicked out of the pool because of one tiny baby. All I could think of was the poor people who only had a couple of days of vacation left before they had to go back to the real world. The sad faces of all the kids with their pool toys and towels, turned back because of one, tiny, bio-hazard.

It is a natural condition that when babies get in water, they evacuate. It just happens. Think about it: the first time you gave a baby a bath. The water was perfect, not too hot, not too cool. Baby Soap? Check! Towel? Check! Powder? Check! In goes junior and almost immediately here come the bubbles, followed quickly by a complete evacuation.

Which leads me to my point: you could be dipping your screeching baby in a resort pool, a bathtub or a bucket and trust me, the kid won’t know the difference. In reality, it’s not for the baby’s benefit, but rather the parent, or more commonly, the grandparent who can’t wait to bring this kid to the “next thing”. “Look how much fun baby is having at the pool!!!” These are the same people who rent a limo for the kid’s junior high dance.

Please try to understand that babies haven’t got a clue of their surroundings, and frankly couldn’t care less. They just want to eat and sleep. Sure, they screech and giggle, but trust me, they don’t need a giant resort pool for that to happen. Squirt the kid with a spray bottle or set him on the lawn and turn on the sprinklers and I guarantee you’ll get the same result.

Now before you go out and start shouting “Adam is a baby-hater!!!”, let me reassure you, I love babies. I think they’re awesome! I just don’t want to swim in their poo and I can’t think of anybody else who would want to either.

Next up: the Jacuzzi! Oy!